Worries....

With the whole TTC, do you ever wonder if it is going to wreck your relationship with your spouse or significant other? I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I love my husband with all of my heart, but I have found that when he is home, we are constantly bickering about the stupidest things.

I get scared and think that maybe we shouldn't be together. I don't know why I am doing that. I think a big part of it may be that I feel he deserves someone better....someone that can give him a family. A family that includes more than just me and him. I know how much he wants a baby. I sometimes think that he wants one as bad as I do. For some reason, I have been really down on myself and my self-esteem seems to be sinking so fast that I don't know how to control it. I keep telling my self that I am going to work on that. I need to start working out...I really do want to look and feel better about myself. I just can't bring myself to start doing it. I am wallowing around in self pity and it is making me sick. There are things that I can change, but I am not doing it and I don't know why.

I don't want to lose J. He is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Because I worry that he will decide he wants someone thinner or prettier, I put a strain on our relationship obsessing on that. I spend so much time on obsessing about wanting to have a baby, I think that is doing it too. Maybe going to the dr. next week will help with that. I doubt it! Nothing will help until I get pg, carry the baby to full term, and it comes out healthy! I am scared that with the whole TTC journey and the fact that we don't have a baby yet, is making me push him away. I don't want to do that, but I think some inner part of me is doing it because he deserves so much more than what I am giving him. Don't get me wrong, I give him my unconditional love. That is all that I want from him, and I know he gives it to me. Maybe I am reading to much into everything, but sometimes when we are together he just seems weird. Of course then I get into the mode...."what's wrong? are you happy with us? are you wanting to be with someone else?" I can't control myself. His response to all of those questions is: "I only want to be with you." I should probably believe that since he is my husband, but sometimes I have a hard time with it.

So, here I am going on and on about something that I need to work on within myself. I should just update you on everything else.

TTC: It is CD23 and as far as I can tell I haven't O'd yet. Who knows if I will at this point. J is out of town still, so there is not any hope for this month. Last time we did it was Sunday.

School: It is going pretty good. It is an interesting class. Prof. C gave us our hand out last night on the paper/project that we have to do. What we have to do is pick an agency/service and go visit it, do an interview, and then write a 7-10 typed paper. So, I had decided that because my uncle is the Director of Nurses at a nursing home, that I would just do it on that. (We have to choose an institution that deals with Human Growth and Development. It can be any age group.) Well, on the handout, he had some topics listed as examples. One of them was an adoption agency. So, when I got out of class, I called J and asked him what he thought.....nursing home or adoption agency?

Me: Ok, I can do my project on either the nursing home and interview Uncle M or I can find an adoption agency around here and go find out what kind of services they provide. I can ask questions like price, and where do their children come from....

J: It is up to you. It's your project. You ARE the one that has to do it, so you should just pick one.

Me: I would feel more comfortable since Uncle M is family and it would be informal. I would love to learn more about the adoption agency, just incase we end up having to go down that road. I don't really want to have to, but you never know. If Dr. L can't give us any explanations on why WE aren't pg, then it may be something we will have to look at.

J: We won't have to go down that road...don't even think about. Still, you should do your project on which ever you would think is more interesting. Then he changed the subject.

So, I still haven't made up my mind on which project to pick, but I will probably go with the nursing home, no maybe I will go with the adoption agency...nursing home....adoption agency. Who knows, luckily we don't have to turn our topic in until March 15, so I have plenty of time to decide.

Well, I guess that is it for now.

It is now 1:45 PM and I found this quote that explains a little more of how I feel about J:

"When I saw you, I was afraid to meet you... When I met you, I was afraid to kiss you... When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you... Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you." ~ Anonymous

He is the love of my life!