I made the call.

Well, I stepped up and called my doctors office this morning and I have an appointment to discuss my options to see what I can do to get pg. My appointment is scheduled for Feb. 3 at 8:15 am.

I always hate when you call and the receptionist asks you "Why would you like to see the doctor?" So, instead of saying I need to discuss fertility testing, I said "I need to talk to him about why I haven't gotten pregnant." Then, I proceeded to say, "he knew that this would be coming, he just didn't know when."

So, why could I not say "fertility testing"? I don't know. Maybe I don't want to admit that I may have a problem that is preventing my from getting pregnant. After 17 months of trying with 1 m/c, I am beginning to get discouraged. J has agreed to have his little swimmers tested, so I need to get him in to do that! I just hate this! I hate having sex with my husband because I have too! I try to convince myself that he is a man and he will do it when ever I want to, but I have learned that just isn't the truth. Yes, he enjoys it, but not to long ago he actually turned me down. He said no, that he wasn't in the mood! What the hell is that? Guys are always in the mood....or at least I suppose that is what I thought.

I have tried a little harder to make the TTC sex a little more like sex used to be. I have a few slinky outfits that were given to me at my lingerie party that my family gave me the night before my wedding and I went and bought a slinky outfit a couple of weeks ago. I am thinking about going down and buying some stilleto heels too! What else can I do? I am running out of ideas! I am a little embarrassed to admit this, but I even tried to get him to watch a "skin flick", he said no...God love him! I know that the only reason he said no to that was because I am the type that if he did get turned on by it, I would have asked him...."Why did she turn you on? Was it the way she is built? Her eyes? Her hair? Her boobs?" I am so insecure. I really need to get over that! He always tells me that there is no one in the world as beautiful and sexy as me. I am so lucky! I love him more than anything in the world and I know that he feels the same about me, but I just have a hard time believing it sometimes. Now, with all of this TTC shit going on, I just feel as if I am letting him down. He deserves someone that can give him a family. He wants a baby more than anything too and I just can't seem to give him one.

I will never forget when I told him that I was pg. He was a little freaked out to say the least. I mean we had only been married for 5 months at the time. He knew that I was off the pill, but neither one of us had figured it would happen that quick since I had been on the pill for so long. He went to the dr. with me to have the blood test done and sure enough it was +. The dr. came in with a book that showed the stages of development and told J "this is what your baby looks like right now." After that, you couldn't get the smile off of J's face. So, when we had the m/c, it really upset him, but I don't think he took it near as hard as I did. If he did, he didn't show it. So, since then, he has decided he REALLY wants one. It is kind of funny how you don't really realize how much you want something until you have it and then it gets taken away.

Well, enough of the depressing stuff....I guess I don't really have much else to comment on....Oh, there is one good thing! I talked to J at lunch and now they may not have to go out of town for work until Tuesday. This is great news! If all goes as it should with "O" (supposed to be Tuesday), I will have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to have that world famous TTC sex. Looks like there is going to be another marathon this month! Hope we can make it to the finish line this time.

Everyone have a great day!