Well, yesterday was hard. Our neighbors had their 19 month old daughter outside and J was playing away with her. When they went in, he looked at me and said I can't wait until we have a kid. I almost busted out in tears right there. Of course, me being the person I am, I got defensive. "It isn't like I'm not trying!" I feel like such a failure. He was a sweetie and said, "If we can't have one, that is fine. I have you and that is all I need. With you in my life, I have more than I ever had." Of course, that did make me start crying.
I love him with all of my heart, but I want us to have a family. A family with children. Sometimes, as much as I love him, I think about how I wish there were a way to end our relationship, so he could be with someone who can give him that family. I know that there is adoption, but right now...that isn't feasible.
I have a doctor's appointment on the 23rd and I am telling my doctor that I am ready to get aggressive and start the testing. I guess I will find out if I am the problem. I am dreading that!
So, here is the e-mail that I sent back to my so-called "dad". I sent it this morning. We will see where it leads....
I have been thinking a lot about your last e-mail. I am sorry if I sounded cold in the e-mail to you about me losing the baby. I was hurting...I had just had a miscarriage. I wish that people who have not had a miscarriage could understand the pain that a person feels. It rips out your heart. You have lost a child. Mine may not have been born yet, but it was a part of me. You should understand that. It has taken me a long time to deal with it, and I am still not "over" it. I don't think I ever will be. I look at XXXXX (my husband) every day and realize that right now, I can't give him a child and he wants one as much as I do.
Maybe I did take your e-mail wrong and that is part of the reason that it has taken me a couple of days to respond. But you said, "...if you would have given us a chance we could have had the relationship that we both needed. If you have to have a reason, that is it." I have made the effort to contact you and keep in touch, and I am open to a relationship with you. I am not going to take all of the blame for us not having a relationship. You are the one who gave up all legal rights when I was 9. How do you think that made me as a child feel. I have two words for that...Unwanted....Unloved. If you want a relationship with me, the ball is in your court and you have to start making some effort.
You can let me know what we should do to make our relationship work. If you think that there isn't anything that can be done, then I guess we should close the chapter on that part of our lives. I don't know how much more I can do. It has hurt me deeply over the years not having a father there when I needed one the most. I want you in my life, but it won't work if I am the only one trying.
I know that you said you don't want to fight and that is not what I am trying to do here. I am telling you how I feel and for now, that is all I can do.
Love,
Me
Well, I hope that everyone has a great rest of the weekend. Les, Jenn, Jess, and Ally...thanks for the input that you gave me. It means a lot!
5 comments:
Chasity,
As your friend I know that you are a person worth fighting for. If my daughter or son were drifting away, I would fight like hell to get them back. A person that doesn't feel the same about you, doesn't deserve you. There are many people in your life, right now, that are willing to fight for you. Ask yourself, do you greive more for the daddy you wish he had been when you were a little girl, or the dad relationship you are missing today. In my situation I mourn not having a "daddy" growing up, to love and protect me. That has, in turn, affected our father-daughter relationship as adults. My dad is slowly killing himself...and I don't hurt because of him. I hurt because he is also killing the daddy I never knew. You are a beautiful person, surround yourself with the people in your life that are willing to fight for you and that know you are worth it. Including your IPP sisters.
Love you,
Jess
P.S. You never know, he may be willing to try and give back what you have lost, I'm just saying don't settle.
I haven't posted, mostly because I have been so sick, but I kept up with your posts about your father. I think, too, it hits really close to home for me, so I almost don't know what to say because I have so many similar emotions.
I just want you to know that I am here for you anytime.
Chasity,
again, sorry I haven't been around much. I can't wait for you to get going to the Dr. I will be so happy for you when you get your bfp. You have really been in my thoughts lately. I miss talking to you. I hope that you are doing well.
Jenna
I really hope you can have the kind of relationship that you are hoping for. If not, just know you are a wonderful person with a great husband...and when you become a mother you'll know it will never be that way.
I miss ya.
I am glad that you wrote such a clear letter to your Dad.. I wish that I could do that.
Really nicely done Chas... I am proud of you.
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