He loves me....he loves me not?

Well, I am going to bear my soul and let you in on one of the problems that I have had to deal with the majority of my life.... my biological father. Here are the e-mails that have been sent between the two of us this last week. (Names have been replaced with XXXXX, to conserve everyone's privacy).

My first e-mail:

I wanted to let you know that Papa passed away on October 21. I didn't know if anyone had told you and I know that he had liked you and I thought that you might want to know. It was a very hard time for all of us. He and XXXX (Papa's wife) were at the coast and he got a blood infection that made him extremely sick. The blood infection resulted in him having several strokes and getting extensive brain damage. He lived for about 2 weeks in ICU before he passed away.

I also wanted to know if you could answer a few health questions for me. Mom, Uncle, and Aunt have all had colonoscopy's and all of them had polyps. I know that colon cancer and problems of that nature can be hereditary and I was wondering if you could let me know if there is anything on your side that I should be aware of. I don't know much about the XXXXX (biological father) side and it would be nice to know in case XXXXXX and I are ever able to have children. We haven't been able to get pregnant since the miscarriage in March 2004. I am getting ready to have some tests done, because we would like to have children. I need to know if there have been any infertility or female problems on that side. I would appreciate any help that you could give me in answering these questions. I hope that you are doing good. It has been quite a while since we have talked. I think about you often.

Take care,
XXXXXX (Sporty)

His response:

Hello XXXXX (Sporty),
It is good to hear from you. I am very sorry about your grand pa. I liked him very much, he was a good man and we got along great. I know that he will be missed by a lot of people.

On our side of the family it is mostly heart attacks and diabetes that we have problems with. If I were to lose some weight I would be better off and not have to worry about diabetes as much. Like I said before, I was very sorry to hear that you had lost a baby. I know you think that I do not care about you or what happens to you, but you are very wrong. It hurt when I got your email stating that you had lost the baby. Would have been my first grand child (even though I would not have gotten to see him or her because you do not like me very much). I think about you all the time too. All I wish for you and XXXXX is the best in life. Enjoy life while you can, because life is too short.

Love always
XXXXX (Dad)

My response:

I am really glad that you wrote back. I appreciate you letting me know what the main health issues on that side are. I am getting ready to tell my dr. that I am ready to start testing and I needed the information, just so I could let him know. Papa was a good man and he is greatly missed. It was very sudden and unexpected.

Thank you for letting me know how you felt when I let you know that we lost the baby. We pray every day that we will get the chance to be parents. I want you to know that I actually read your reply e-mail hours ago, but it has taken me a while to respond and be able to think clearly. I cried when I first read it, and it is making me cry again. I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart. Despite the problems that we have had in the past, you are my father. If we would have had the baby, I would never have kept it away from you. Just because you weren't really a part of my life, I wouldn't have done that to my baby. I think about you alot and I want you to be a part of my life, but I also want you to feel the same way about me. This should be a 2-sided relationship. I kind of figured that after I let you know that I lost the baby...if you cared, you would have checked up on me. It has been over a year since the miscarriage and I am still not over it. I still cry constantly about it. It breaks my heart when I think of the baby that I wanted and I lost it. That may have been my only chance at having a baby of my own.

Well, I had better get back to work now. I hope to hear from you soon.
Love, XXXXX(Sporty)

His response:

XXXXXX(Sporty),
I did write when you let me know about the baby. I was deeply hurt at the time knowing that you were very upset and hurting inside. You may think that I do not love you, but you are wrong. I think about you all the time, like I said yesterday. I felt that you did not want to hear from me, so I did not contact you. Don't worry, you will be able to have a baby. Our side of the family has never had any problem in that department. All you have to do is think positive and pray that everything will be all right.
Best wishes from us and keep in touch.
Love always
XXXX (No Dad this time, just his name)

My response (sent this morning):

I know that you wrote back when I told you about the baby, it was when you didn't check on me after that. That is what hurt.

You know, I have often wondered what I did, that made you not be a part of my life. That is the one question that has always plagued me. Can you do me the favor and answer that? Why...what...or who....kept us apart all of these years? Please give me an honest answer so I can move past that. A therapist didn't help me when I was 16, and I really don't know if one will help me now. The only person that can help me on this issue is you. I just NEED to know.
Love,
XXXXX (Sporty)

So, that is where I am with this part of my life. I am hoping that he will give me an honest answer, so I may be able to either start a new chapter of my life with him, or close one.