Why?

Here I am...at work on my lunch break. I can't get motivated! So, here is today: It is 12:09 PM and it is 19 degrees outside. As of 7 AM this morning, we had 6.7 inches of snow. They are saying another 2-4 today.

I hate mother nature! Not even the one that crushes my hopes and dreams every month, but the one that controls the weather! Thanks to that bitch, my trip for this next week may be cancelled. I guess that is the problem with a 17 hour drive across the country.

I WANT to go home. I WANT to see my family. I WANT to get pg. I WANT to hold MY precious baby in MY arms. I just WANT to crawl under a rock and stay there for days.

Ok, I need to snap out of it. I think it must be this weather. The cold, the snow, the wind. It is bitter outside....come to think of it....it is a lot like me on the inside. I'm not always bitter, but I find that it is happening more and more.

To try to move onto something else, I had to laugh at J last night. He made the comment "It scares me when YOU are actually looking forward to starting your period!" Well, not so much looking forward to it, but I can start using my fertility monitor that I just got. I am excited about that! Maybe this will tell me something new.

You know, I think I am starting to develop multiple personalities. Good....Evil....Good.....Evil?!?

Well, enough of this...time to do something productive. There must be something that I can look up on the internet! Oh...I need to catch up on my reading (for class and my most frequented blogs). Blogs are going to win out since class is cancelled for tonight and we don't have class next week due to Spring Break.

Afternoon update: Well, I think that AF may be getting ready to make her appearance. I am on CD31. I have been on the verge of tears all day. Well, not really on the verge, I have cried a few times today. I keep having to shut the door to my office. I talked to my mom and found out that it isn't only the weather that is keeping us from going to TX, it is the fact that when we go, my Papa isn't going to be there. Depending on how long you have been reading my blog is whether or not you know that whole situation. For those of you that haven't been reading that long....my papa is my grandpa and he suddenly got extremely ill on October 9, 2004 and passed away on the 21st. I understand how she feels, but we have so much other family that we need to see. I have a great grandma that will be 94 in November.

My mom raised me to believe that family was the most important thing. I firmly believe that, and it rips my heart out that I am so far from all of them. I used to rotate between my Papa's and my great grandmas every weekend, up until the time I moved out of state. I am so happy that I made the move because I met my wonderful husband, but at the same time, I left all of the people that mattered the most to me. I wish that I could just close my eyes, wiggle my nose, and be sitting there with my family whenever I wanted. When my papa got so sick, I remember praying that if God would let him get better, I wouldn't pray about becoming pregnant and having the baby that I was so longing for. I promised to live my life on the straight and narrow. Well, he didn't get better. He did open his eyes and look at us a couple of days before he passed. I will tell you, that those were the most beautiful blue eyes that I have ever seen. By the time that my mom and I made it to the hospital to see him, he couldn't talk, open his eyes, or voluntarily move his body. I miss him. I know that my mom does too. I mean he is her dad! But, we do have other family. Just because we know that he won't be there, we can't put everyone else off. If anything, his passing helped me see that I shouldn't take a single day or person for granted. I know that I probably still do, and when I catch myself doing it, I feel absolutely horrible. My papa was always there for me in a time of need. It is kind of funny in a fucked up kind of way because my edd was Oct. 10 and he got sick on Oct. 9....was that his way of helping through that day? I was so concerned about him, I didn't have time to think about the baby that I should have been having!

Ok, enough self pity and wallowing in my misfortunes....it is time to get back to work.

Thoughts and prayers going out to Jenn and her dad!!!

Take care and be safe!