- My trip to TX has officially been cancelled. I cancelled my vacation time today. (Sorry Jamie. I was really looking forward to getting together for lunch).
- Today is 1 year since I had my miscarriage.
- I am so emotionally tore up today, that I have had to shut my door several times because I didn't want someone to just walk in and see the tears streaming down my face. Thank goodness I don't wear make-up much or I would be completely streaked!
Ok, so now to expand on the above points.:
My trip to Texas - I was really looking forward to seeing my family. The last time I saw them was in October, but that was for my Papa's funeral, so even though it was good to see them, it wasn't a barrell of laughs!
My miscarriage - Ok...now this one has been bad today. You know how family sends you pictures and stuff....well, my uncle sent me one today. Now, I know that people don't really think about things like m/c or have the dates burned into their memories like we do, but let me give you a quick little background about things and the worst times being e-mailed to you. My uncle (I love him with all of my heart) and this daughter (honestly, I am not sure if she is his) that had a baby in October. Well, my due date was supposed to be Oct. 10. On Oct. 9, the day that my grandpa got sick, I received an e-mail from him (my uncle), and it was the babies 1st webpage that the hospital had set up. Ok....that sucked! I got the e-mail before we found out about my grandpa. Today, I get an e-mail from the same uncle, sending me a picture of my other cousins baby that was born last month (I think). Ok, it's been a year since the m/c, I should be over it right? FUCK THAT! I'm not! It is so fucking hard and no one seems to understand that, except for my fellow infertiles (LOVE YOU GALS!!!). I am sure that he doesn't know that today is "THAT DAY", but it just hurt and it sucks. He is the type that would give you the shirt off of his back, even if that was the only piece of clothing that he had.
You know, I just hate crying at work. One of the Associate Directors here at work came into my office this morning. I looked at him and said, "Just a warning, but I am rather bitchy today."
He said, "I'm not coming in." Then he left. That kind of made me laugh. I did call him and ask him what it was that he needed. I really like this guy. He is a sweetheart.
Anyways, because I had been crying on the phone with my mom, she wanted me to go out to lunch, but I said no since I had brought a sandwich. They aren't that good after they sit in the frig. for a day or so. Anyway, she calls me and says if you have a minute come out to your parking lot. So I went out there. She felt bad for me that I am having to deal with the whole m/c thing and she feels bad that she cancelled our trip to TX, so she brought me this with a card that had an Angel sitting on a chimney of a house in the moonlight that said...(Front of card)"No matter what you're going through..." (Inside) "Heaven's watching over you"
So, now I am crying again. I don't know how I have any tears left. Well, that is about it for right now. I need to find something else to do like read some blogs or visit PW.
Have a good day and take care.
4 comments:
You have had a shitty time of things. I'm sorry Chas...family can be so fucked up sometimes. At least you got us :)
Thanks gals! I just want you to know that my uncle isn't a bad person. I know that before I started TTC, I probably wouldn't have thought about something like that either. This whole process has changed me and the way that I view other peoples situations as well.
Again, thanks for the support! Thanks Suz, I think I will come for a visit!
Take care!
Sending you hugs and chocolate . . .
oh chas,
What ur going thru is completly normal, no one can understand that unless they are a woman and they dont even really know until it happens to them.
We take the ability to become pg for granted until we realize it might not be as easy as we thought. Our parents generation had children very early, so I think this is all so new to them.
Hang in there, your feelings are real, your grief is real. It is your right to deal with things the best you can.
I hope today is better for you. I'll try to chat you, damn dial up here, I have all sorts of trouble. And I get to write a new article about how happy I am to be here.
-love ya k
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