You know....I don't have anything philosophical or inspiring to write about.

I have been extremely busy with work here lately. I want to go to the next level with TTC. But, with this state's insurance not wanting to help you get pg, I am out of options for a while or until I win the lotto. Maybe I should buy a ticket....

I actually want to give up on TTC, but I can't. It consumes me. Every breath that I breathe is in hope of 2 pink lines appearing on one of the many different brands of HPT's that I have in my bathroom cabinet.

I see a baby, a pg woman, a child, anything... and I get tears in my eyes. I try to stay optimistic and hopeful every month, but I have this horrible feeling that for some odd reason, it isn't meant to be for me. I think that what upsets me the most is that J would make a wonderful father. For some reason, I am not able to give him that one gift that I know he is longing for as much as I am.

I don't understand why these things happen. Is it a test to see how much I want a baby? A test to see if I will love the baby whole-heartedly and unconditionally? Is there some kind of criteria that you have to meet before you will be granted your one dream? Yes, I had a fucked up childhood. Yes, I have a few self-esteem issues that I need to deal with! But, what does that have to do with me having a baby. I mean really...if having "fertility issues" isn't damaging my self-esteem, I don't know what is!

Since I have been working out, I am feeling better about my self (both mentally and physically). I am working on improving myself!!! I really am! I just need someone to lead me in the right direction or to give me the one answer that I need the most....

Why can't I get pregnant???