Alone and Empty....

I am sitting here at my house alone....again! I was looking out my front door and noticed that the neighbors across the street have their tree up along with their stockings hanging in the front window. I was admiring it when I saw the husband walking passed the window carrying the baby. They had the baby this summer.

All I could think about while I was watching was the fact that my baby was due Oct. 10th and I should be here holding my baby and looking forward to the holidays.
Don't get me wrong. I am looking forward to them, but I am also dreading them with all of the losses that I have endured this year. I shouldn't be sitting at home alone right now....I should have my dog (which was my baby) and my baby and my grandpa! All of which are gone.

Why does life have to play the cruel tricks that it plays? I know deep down that "everything happens for a reason." But, right now, I am having a hard time understanding why anything is happening.

I can't remember if I said in my last post that J is out of town again. This was supposed to be the last week until after the first of the year, but he called last night and said they have to go out of town again next week. So, I am never going to get PG at this rate! If I can only have one thing for Christmas (other than my family to have good health, peace, and happiness) it will be to find out that I am PG and that it is going to stick and not end like the last one.

We were supposed to be going to get our Christmas tree and putting it up this weekend, but we are going to have so much to do, that I don't think we are going to have the time to do it....maybe the following weekend.

You know, just when I think that I am starting to feel OK and I may make it through this mess, something happens that just triggers those tears and thoughts. I know that I need to quit dwelling on what might have been, because it is only making things worse. There is nothing that I can do to change my past. I need to start focusing on the present and think about what I can do for the future. Yeah, yeah...I say that, but I am not real good at it.

Well, I think it is about time to do something productive and try to get happy. Maybe I will go call J and see what he is up to.