Day of Relaxation...

It is 7:00 am and I am sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee while my husband is out in the woods sitting in his tree stand waiting and watching for that buck of a lifetime.

The sun is beginning to come up over the horizon. The frost is glimmering in the morning light. It is gorgeous. We are in the middle of nowhere with hardly anyone around us. This should turn out to be a very relaxing weekend. I have been awake since 5:30 and it is already beggining to be a day of reflection on a life that I don't understand.

I can't get over the fact that I am now 30 (not that I think that is old), but I had already planned on having my family started.....not having a miscarriage, losing my Papa, and my little baby dog all in the same year. I really thought that I would be pregnant again by now, but life isn't fair! I know that they say that everything happens for a reason, but I am having a hard time believing that right now. I am sure that there is a purpose for the way that life has turned out, and one day I am sure that I will look back and say..."Well, that makes since. Now I see why those things happened and everything has turned out like it has." But, for now, I am just saying..."What the fuck is going on and why is it all happening at once?"

I am currently sitting here looking out the sliders towards the woods, watching for the deer that my husband may not see and then looking towards the other direction at my little dogs grave. He was such a sweet little boy....damn it sucks not having him curled up on the couch with me right now. One day I will probably come to grips with it, but for now it has only been a week.

Enough with the depressing shit! I am out here to enjoy a nice weekend with my husband and take in some fresh country air....well, I will do that when it is warmer than 20 outside.

I keep telling myself, that even though I am having such a hard time dealing with all of the losses, I have to remember that I still have family here that I love, that loves me, and we all need to be there for eachother. I can't dismiss them in my life because I am angry about everything else and maybe just life in general.