J, my husband, is still out of town for work. I won't see him until Thursday evening and I miss him like crazy. I talk to him a couple of times a day, but it just isn't quite the same.
It is the second night in the house alone, without J or my little dog. It is driving me crazy. I couldn't believe I made it through last night...if that is what you want to call it. I couldn't bring myself to go get in bed, so I slept on the couch. I mean really, it was my first night alone without at least the little dog in almost 11 years! The little dog may not have talked, at least in human language, but he was a warm little body that was always curled up with me. I miss him sooooooo much!
So, I came home from work today to an empty house. I had a couple of beers, while I did a tad bit of tidying up around the place. I figure that it is OK to have a couple since TTC is put on hold for the moment. My mom called and wanted to see if I wanted to go look at microwaves with her and my step-dad, so I went. It's not like I had anything else to do. I have such a hum drum boring life. We stopped to show my step-dad the car that I am thinking about buying (pretty excited about that) and then we went over and bought them a new microwave. After that, they took me out to dinner. We went to the Chinese buffet...pretty good, but now I am miserable and just want to hurl. So, at the end of dinner, we got our fortune cookies, like we always do, and I got a pretty good fortune. It said "You will be free of the heavy burdens you have been carrying". So, now I have been thinking of that and the more I think about it, the better I feel. Right now, I am hoping that is a good sign with my TTC battle. Am I actually going to win a battle? I suppose that only time will tell. It sure would be nice to win compared to what I have had lately. And lately, I think I have a sign posted somewhere on me that says "kick me", because it seems that is what life is doing to me right now.
Well, now I am back home, I have already talked to J for what should be the last time tonight and I am beginning to get a little depressed. It is so quite in this house, even with the TV on.
I seem to be rambling here and I really don't see a purpose with this whole post. I just know that I am wanting to TTC and I can't do it with J out of town all of the time. With everything that went on last month with my Papa and J being out of town every week this month, I have all but given up on TTC for now. I was out of state when I did or did not "O" last month and he is out of town this week, while I should be. I guess that leads me to the next part. J had a dr. appt. on the 11th and I went with him. While there, my dr. said that if I am not pg. within the next couple of months, we will take my TTC journey to the next level. I have been thinking about that next step, but have agreed with myself that I was at least going to wait until the beginning of the year. I am telling myself that with a new year, there will be a new beginning. I wonder how can wanting to become pg can consume so much of my life. I spend all day at work thinking and obsessing about it. I can't concentrate on anything. I guess when you want something so bad, you do everything that you can to get it.
Well, since I don't have anything really profound to write about, I will end on that note.
Good night.
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1 comment:
Hey there,
I just wanted to tell you that I am reading your blog. I really enjoy reading it. So are you going to be trying again soon? What does your dr mean by then next level? Also I know that nothing can replace chewy but have you thought about getting another dog so you don't have to be alone? Or are you waiting a while? I hate waiting for anything. Waiting is the worst word that anyone can say to me. (which is why patience must be so important) I think that is why ttc consumes so much of our lifes. All it is, is a waiting game. We start off waiting, charting etc, and we wait to O. Then after we O we have the big two week wait, (where you drive yourself crazy) Then AF usually arrives with a huge disapointment. The whole sad process doesn't even include other factors like if one of you is away from the other one. It all just sucks. I think I went off subject. What kind of car are you thinking about?
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